The First Time I Loved Forever

I have determined that I don't really care for being in a good mood.
It seems like, everytime I find myself in a particular good and happy mood,
there is inevitably something or someone that just completely yanks the proverbial rug from beneath my feet. Personally, I feel it's just easier on the senses to be, at most, in a so-so- mood. That way, when the rug is pulled out, a body doesn't have so far to fall.
I'm all about pain minimalization: I'm really not (much of) a masochist, despite my newly-developed interest in quilting...

On a lighter note, I have been reacqainted with a song from a series I watched faithfully when I was younger. It was a fairy tale romance that all little girls dream about (and many still do, though they may not admit it) A story of a star-crossed romance and deep abiding love, and pure and deep bond that could be felt even across the space of a continent.

The First Time I Loved Forever

(featuring excerpts from "somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond" a poem by E.E. Cummings)

(Song featured in the series Beauty and the Beast, starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman)

sung by Lisa Angelie

Somewhere I have never traveled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which I cannot touch because they are too near

The first time I loved forever

Was when you whispered my name

And I knew at once you loved me

For the me of who I am

The first time I loved forever

I cast all else aside

And I bid my heart to follow

Be there no more need to hide

And if wishes and dreams

Are merely for children

And if love's a tale for fools

I'll live the dream with you

Or if your wish be to close me,

I and my life will shut very beautifully ,

suddenly, as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending

For all my life and forever

There's a truth I will always know

When my world divides and shatters

Your love is where I'll go

I do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond

by E. E. Cummings
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

(full poem found on Poets.org)

Never Gonna Give You Up

Not really connected in any way to my post from earlier in the day, but it's been running through my head most of the day... and words cannot described how vehemently I hate this song...



We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

CHORUS
Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around and desert you,
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye,
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

(CHORUS)
CHORUS CHORUS
(Ooh give you up)
(Ooh give you up)
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give
(give you up)
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give
(give you up)
We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
(CHORUS)

~Never Gonna Give You Up
Rick Astley

Let Me Fall

I wonder how many people would truly grieve if I went to sleep tonight and never woke up again...
My moods have been mercurial, at best, the past few months. And as soon as I determine to see the so-called "silver lining," someone has to point out all the damned storm clouds. I can't be mad at them; they're concerned and they are trying to look out for my well-being. But I can only deal with one cloud at a time, and I'm just not mentally equipped to deal with Hurricane Ike all at once.


Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear and dream must collide
Someone I am I waiting for courage
The one I want, the one I will become will catch me
So let me fall, if I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them.

Let me fall,
If I fall
though the Phoenix may or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one.
You can hold me only if you too will fall away
from all these useless fears and shame.

Oh, someone I am is waiting for courage
The one I want, the one I will become will catch me
So let me fall, if I must fall
I won't heed your warnings.
I won't hear.

Let me fall,
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment.
Just let me fall.

~Let Me Fall (from Cirque Du Soleil)
words and music by Jim Corcoran and Benoit Juntas
sung by Josh Groban

I Don't Wanna Fight

I'm tired. Tina Turner tonight, all the way.


I Don't Wanna Fight - Tina Turner

THERE'S A PALE MOON IN THE SKY
THE KIND YOU MAKE YOUR WISHES ON
LIKE THE LIGHT IN YOUR EYES
THE ONE I BUILD MY DREAMS UPON
IT'S NOT HERE ANY LONGER
SOMETHING HAPPENED SOMEWHERE AND WE BOTH KNOW WHY
BUT ME I'M GETTING STRONGER
WE MUST STOP PRETENDING
I CAN'T LIVE THIS LIE

I DON'T CARE WHO'S WRONG OR RIGHT
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
TOO MUCH TALKING BABE
LET'S SLEEP ON IT TONIGHT
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
THIS IS TIME FOR LETTING GO

I HEAR A WHISPER IN THE AIR
THAT SIMPLY DOESN'T BOTHER ME
BOY, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I DON'T CARE
OR ARE YOU LOOKING RIGHT THROUGH ME
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT LATELY (SEEMS TO ME THAT LATELY)
YOU LOOK AT ME THE WRONG WAY AND I START TO CRY
COULD IT BE THAT MAYBE (COULD IT BE THAT MAYBE)
THIS CRAZY SITUATION IS THE REASON WHY

I DON'T CARE WHO'S WRONG OR RIGHT
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
TOO MUCH TALKING BABE
DON'T CARE NOW WHO'S TO BLAME
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
THIS IS TIME FOR LETTING GO

HANGING ON TO THE PAST
IT ONLY STANDS IN OUR WAY
WE HAVE TO GROW FOR OUR LOVE TO LAST
BUT WE JUST GREW APART

OH DON'T WANNA HURT NO MORE
BUT BABY DON'T YOU KNOW
NO, I DON'T WANNA HURT NO MORE...
TIRED OF ALL THESE GAMES
THIS TIME I'M WALKING BABE

Broken Vow

Was wondering what kind of song would fit my rather down-trodden mood of the last few days.. and i just so happened that when I turned on Yahoo's Launchcast radio, it was playing one of my favorite Josh Groban songs, Broken Vow
As I am a girl, for the lyrics, I went with Lara Fabian's version, rather than Josh Groban.


Broken Vow, as sung by Lara Fabian

Tell me her name I want to know
The way she looks and where you go
I need to see her face, I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night while I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own?

I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch, that one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time?

I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

I close my eyes
And dream of you, and then I realize
The more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul to hold you once again
And never let this promise end

I'll let you go,
I'll let you fly
Now that I know, I'm asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Not a Song

*gasp* I am deviating from the plan! No song lyrics in this post... I had a frustrating evening and wanted to share. To save timem I've simply copied and pasted from the IM where I had my little rant. I hesitate to say IM conversation, because I was doing most of the typing....

Audra B: I needed the relaxation, cause dad p***ed me off this evening.

Audra B: I need new brakes, especially on my front wheels. this is not a "get them fixed eventually" situation, or I would've waited til payday and paid ou the extra money to get them fixed somewhere else. but I spent a LOT less money and got the brakes to fix them at home. On the way home I call and ask dad if he'll help me fix them, and he cracks off he's been waiting 45 minutes for me..
Audra B: well I get home a little after 5.. still plenty of light.
Audra B: we have dinner... and dad dicks around watching at least an hour's worth of TV, and complaining that he couldn't find a particular tool needed. I don't get him out of the house until 6:30. Then we get over to my car and he's like "well let's make sure you really need the brakes fixed first"
Audra B: because I'm apparently stupid and haven't been driving this car enough to know the difference between "good" sounding brakes and "bad"
Audra B: when he finally determines, yes I do in fact need the brakes changed.. it's too dark too do anything and we'll do it tomorrow.
Audra B: I'll just have to "put up with the noise" til tomorrow afternoon.
Audra B: now, in my limited experience (since January 1 2008, I have driven my car a minimum of 89.8 miles a day, 7 days a week, with only brief respites during major holidays or when other things were being repaired), a loud grating/grinding noise is an indication that something is, believe it or not... grating or grinding against something else, which I humbly feel is not a beneficial situation for a person who has to hit the brakes a minimum of 140 times a day, and that is just the paper tube stops I am considering, not taking into consideration the typical starts and stops
Audra B: of the average drive from my house to Bedford, and then from Bedford to my first delivery spot, and then the any dozens of reasons I may have to stop in between customers.. Audra B: *deep breath*

Audra B: but I can't change them on my own, just for the fact that the last time the tires were messed with was when I had new tires put on... and they like using that wonderful air gun to tighten the lugnuts..
Audra B: last time I tried to remove lugnuts tightened by an air gun, it took the combined efforts of me a guy that stopped to help me, and two of his three children
Audra B: i think what p****ed me off was dad saying he couldn't find the c-clamp he needed.. that he'd looked everywhere.. and we can't fix the brakes without a c-clamp.. to hold the caliper.. or something or other..
Audra B: I walked right into the shed, glanced right, glanced left... and the c-clamp was hanging up in plain sight.
Audra B: it made me think "if you don't want to help just f***ing say so."
Audra B: I believe that has become my new pet peeve.. not with dad but with people in general. Audra B: if you don't want to do it, just freaking say so. don't agree just to be polite or spare someone's feelings or it's the "right" thing to do.. because if you're not wanting to help, or be present, or do whatever.. then your heart's not in it.. you'll end up doing a sub-standard job at best, which I think can cause more damage than just refusing to help in the first place.
Audra B: *sigh* I'll step down off my soap box now... but I'm keeping it handy.

I Knew I Loved You (Before I Met You)

Was lying here being melancholy, and that song popped into my head. It has a special significance to me, and reminds me of happier memories.
I miss the man who sang it to me..

I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You - Savage Garden

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life...

Awake

I love Josh Groban. He and Michael Crawford are my two favorite male singers... not to mention the guy is cute as a bug. :)
I just (as in, less than five minutes ago) heard a song of his that I had not heard before... and it had the same effect on me as when I first heard the young man sing.

It made my heart hurt. That breathless, clenching hurt that you read about in romance novels. but don't find too often in real life.

Can't think of anything else to say.. heh

Awake -Josh Groban

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see
We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today