Raver Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Sunday, January 09, 2005
Friday, January 07, 2005
Water Water, Everywhere...
Anybody got room to house a potential flood victim?
Hold on.. let me rewind and explain.
I live on a hill overlooking the East Fork of White River in southern Indiana. I've lived here for 23 years and though we've had some hum-dinger floods (yes, I said "hum-dinger") We've never had to evacuate our houses. Oh we've had some close-calls.. We have to park our vehicles out on the main road and up the hill a bit to keep ourselves mobile (didn't get my car out in time in '96 and was very thoroughly trapped until the waters went down) But thus far... *knocks on wood* we've been lucky.
Don't quote me just yet.. but I think our luck is about to run out. Still have a day, maybe two, before the river crests ( for all you non-river folk.. cresting means when the water stops raising) and they've forecast it as raising another 3-4 feet before then. Only problem is.. another 3 feet puts the water right at my door.. and possibly in my house.
Not a good thing.
Fortunately, my car is on dry ground I'm able to get to it even though it takes a freaking hike over the hills and through the woods ( can't go over the river, that's the whole problem), it's stocked with clothes and some blankets, and I have enough tables to put all my stuff up on. Only problem is... what the heck am I supposed to do with my three cats, and my three dogs who weigh a minimum of 40lbs each? Guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...
If the flood waters don't wash it out :)
Hold on.. let me rewind and explain.
I live on a hill overlooking the East Fork of White River in southern Indiana. I've lived here for 23 years and though we've had some hum-dinger floods (yes, I said "hum-dinger") We've never had to evacuate our houses. Oh we've had some close-calls.. We have to park our vehicles out on the main road and up the hill a bit to keep ourselves mobile (didn't get my car out in time in '96 and was very thoroughly trapped until the waters went down) But thus far... *knocks on wood* we've been lucky.
Don't quote me just yet.. but I think our luck is about to run out. Still have a day, maybe two, before the river crests ( for all you non-river folk.. cresting means when the water stops raising) and they've forecast it as raising another 3-4 feet before then. Only problem is.. another 3 feet puts the water right at my door.. and possibly in my house.
Not a good thing.
Fortunately, my car is on dry ground I'm able to get to it even though it takes a freaking hike over the hills and through the woods ( can't go over the river, that's the whole problem), it's stocked with clothes and some blankets, and I have enough tables to put all my stuff up on. Only problem is... what the heck am I supposed to do with my three cats, and my three dogs who weigh a minimum of 40lbs each? Guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...
If the flood waters don't wash it out :)
Thursday, January 06, 2005
And now, on a more serious note...
Well then, now that I've calmed down (somehwat) and have slipped into my "Analyze It All" mode, I'm a trifle confused.
I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly four years just shy of a year ago, reasoning that I was feeling very ignored and felt that I was keeping him from his full potential... or some crap like that.
That was exactly what it was; crap (except for the being ignored part). Far be it for me to give up a guy because I think he's sacrificing too much for me; most guys these days won't sacrifice the effort to lift their feet when you clean, let alone anything else. No.. the problems was that I was the one who felt like I sacrificing too much.
What the hell I thought I was sacrificing, I have absolutely NO clue.. I didn't have anything to begin with. No wait.. that's not true. I felt like I would be sacrificing my freedom if our relationship took that next inevitable step.
Heh... some freedom. Right now I'm unemployed, living on my last $20 while my mother ( who THANK GOD lives right next door to me) feeds me and pays my bills.
Some freedom.
Granted, there was never any guarantee that life would be any worse away from here... but nowhere does it say it would be worse, either.
What it all boils down to it.. I'm still a scared little girl in a 25-year-old's body. I want to spread my wings, fly away and make my own life in this world.. but the thought of leaving behind everything I've ever known is terrifying. Even worse is the thought of leaving and coming back to find everything is changed, or simply.. gone.
Unfortunately, I do know that if I elect to stay here in this little cabin on the hill overlooking the river.. I will continue to watch life pass by without me. I need to pull up my roots, deep as they are, and re-plant myself somewhere else.
And now back to the subject at hand; my ex-boyfriend. It's been so long since we really talked, but it feels like no time has passed at all. I find myself starting to type out all the old familiar sweet-nothings and mushy nonsense we used to send back and forth, and have to stop myself. He's acting so sweet and friendly.. but he hasn't suggested a renewal of our relationship. Even if he did, he would most likely want an apology from me.
Truthfully, I feel like I do owe some sort of apology. An apology for any pain I caused.. an apology for the mistake of letting him go when he's the only guy I know that makes my heart clench with just a smile, the only guy I know who would endure TEN performances of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat just because his girlfriend was in the chorus. He's the only guy I've ever known that, when he visited for more than a week I was ready to kill him, but when he left I would wrap myself in the blanket he used and cry myself to sleep.
I've spent a year trying to convince myself that I've never been, and will never be, in love. I think, no.. I know, I am wrong. I turned my back on the man I loved because I was afraid to take that final plunge. I know that now. I know I probably don't deserve a second chance, but I really hope I get one.. because I'm not so afraid anymore; and even after a year of trying to convince myself that I never loved him... he's still the only man I've ever been able to envision spend the rest of my life with.
I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly four years just shy of a year ago, reasoning that I was feeling very ignored and felt that I was keeping him from his full potential... or some crap like that.
That was exactly what it was; crap (except for the being ignored part). Far be it for me to give up a guy because I think he's sacrificing too much for me; most guys these days won't sacrifice the effort to lift their feet when you clean, let alone anything else. No.. the problems was that I was the one who felt like I sacrificing too much.
What the hell I thought I was sacrificing, I have absolutely NO clue.. I didn't have anything to begin with. No wait.. that's not true. I felt like I would be sacrificing my freedom if our relationship took that next inevitable step.
Heh... some freedom. Right now I'm unemployed, living on my last $20 while my mother ( who THANK GOD lives right next door to me) feeds me and pays my bills.
Some freedom.
Granted, there was never any guarantee that life would be any worse away from here... but nowhere does it say it would be worse, either.
What it all boils down to it.. I'm still a scared little girl in a 25-year-old's body. I want to spread my wings, fly away and make my own life in this world.. but the thought of leaving behind everything I've ever known is terrifying. Even worse is the thought of leaving and coming back to find everything is changed, or simply.. gone.
Unfortunately, I do know that if I elect to stay here in this little cabin on the hill overlooking the river.. I will continue to watch life pass by without me. I need to pull up my roots, deep as they are, and re-plant myself somewhere else.
And now back to the subject at hand; my ex-boyfriend. It's been so long since we really talked, but it feels like no time has passed at all. I find myself starting to type out all the old familiar sweet-nothings and mushy nonsense we used to send back and forth, and have to stop myself. He's acting so sweet and friendly.. but he hasn't suggested a renewal of our relationship. Even if he did, he would most likely want an apology from me.
Truthfully, I feel like I do owe some sort of apology. An apology for any pain I caused.. an apology for the mistake of letting him go when he's the only guy I know that makes my heart clench with just a smile, the only guy I know who would endure TEN performances of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat just because his girlfriend was in the chorus. He's the only guy I've ever known that, when he visited for more than a week I was ready to kill him, but when he left I would wrap myself in the blanket he used and cry myself to sleep.
I've spent a year trying to convince myself that I've never been, and will never be, in love. I think, no.. I know, I am wrong. I turned my back on the man I loved because I was afraid to take that final plunge. I know that now. I know I probably don't deserve a second chance, but I really hope I get one.. because I'm not so afraid anymore; and even after a year of trying to convince myself that I never loved him... he's still the only man I've ever been able to envision spend the rest of my life with.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
LeiLei's in a VERY good mood!
WOW... I'm on such an upswing today! the last couple of days, really.. Wanna know why? Well I'll tell ya anyways. My sweetie started talking to me again!!!!! *Does the happy dance of joy*
Well... he's not really my sweetie anymore.. hasn't been for a year (I'm such a freaking idiot) but he is like one of my BEST-EST buddies EVER 'n' I've REALLY missed him and now he's talking to me again so... YAYYYYYY!!! :-D
Oh yeah....the reason I'm posting.. he made up a quiz for his own blog, and he sent it to me and I took it.. and I wanted to post the results :-D
Which.... I can't do right now cause the link isn't typed right and I don't know how to fix it :-D It's all good, thouhg.. soon as it's fixed, it's being posted up here, where it shal stayeth foreber *nodnod*
Anyhoos, 'til next time! Adios!
Well... he's not really my sweetie anymore.. hasn't been for a year (I'm such a freaking idiot) but he is like one of my BEST-EST buddies EVER 'n' I've REALLY missed him and now he's talking to me again so... YAYYYYYY!!! :-D
Oh yeah....the reason I'm posting.. he made up a quiz for his own blog, and he sent it to me and I took it.. and I wanted to post the results :-D
Which.... I can't do right now cause the link isn't typed right and I don't know how to fix it :-D It's all good, thouhg.. soon as it's fixed, it's being posted up here, where it shal stayeth foreber *nodnod*
Anyhoos, 'til next time! Adios!
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