And now, on a more serious note...

Well then, now that I've calmed down (somehwat) and have slipped into my "Analyze It All" mode, I'm a trifle confused.
I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly four years just shy of a year ago, reasoning that I was feeling very ignored and felt that I was keeping him from his full potential... or some crap like that.

That was exactly what it was; crap (except for the being ignored part). Far be it for me to give up a guy because I think he's sacrificing too much for me; most guys these days won't sacrifice the effort to lift their feet when you clean, let alone anything else. No.. the problems was that I was the one who felt like I sacrificing too much.

What the hell I thought I was sacrificing, I have absolutely NO clue.. I didn't have anything to begin with. No wait.. that's not true. I felt like I would be sacrificing my freedom if our relationship took that next inevitable step.

Heh... some freedom. Right now I'm unemployed, living on my last $20 while my mother ( who THANK GOD lives right next door to me) feeds me and pays my bills.

Some freedom.

Granted, there was never any guarantee that life would be any worse away from here... but nowhere does it say it would be worse, either.

What it all boils down to it.. I'm still a scared little girl in a 25-year-old's body. I want to spread my wings, fly away and make my own life in this world.. but the thought of leaving behind everything I've ever known is terrifying. Even worse is the thought of leaving and coming back to find everything is changed, or simply.. gone.

Unfortunately, I do know that if I elect to stay here in this little cabin on the hill overlooking the river.. I will continue to watch life pass by without me. I need to pull up my roots, deep as they are, and re-plant myself somewhere else.

And now back to the subject at hand; my ex-boyfriend. It's been so long since we really talked, but it feels like no time has passed at all. I find myself starting to type out all the old familiar sweet-nothings and mushy nonsense we used to send back and forth, and have to stop myself. He's acting so sweet and friendly.. but he hasn't suggested a renewal of our relationship. Even if he did, he would most likely want an apology from me.

Truthfully, I feel like I do owe some sort of apology. An apology for any pain I caused.. an apology for the mistake of letting him go when he's the only guy I know that makes my heart clench with just a smile, the only guy I know who would endure TEN performances of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat just because his girlfriend was in the chorus. He's the only guy I've ever known that, when he visited for more than a week I was ready to kill him, but when he left I would wrap myself in the blanket he used and cry myself to sleep.

I've spent a year trying to convince myself that I've never been, and will never be, in love. I think, no.. I know, I am wrong. I turned my back on the man I loved because I was afraid to take that final plunge. I know that now. I know I probably don't deserve a second chance, but I really hope I get one.. because I'm not so afraid anymore; and even after a year of trying to convince myself that I never loved him... he's still the only man I've ever been able to envision spend the rest of my life with.