Never Gonna Give You Up

Not really connected in any way to my post from earlier in the day, but it's been running through my head most of the day... and words cannot described how vehemently I hate this song...



We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

CHORUS
Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around and desert you,
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye,
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

(CHORUS)
CHORUS CHORUS
(Ooh give you up)
(Ooh give you up)
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give
(give you up)
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give
(give you up)
We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
(CHORUS)

~Never Gonna Give You Up
Rick Astley

Let Me Fall

I wonder how many people would truly grieve if I went to sleep tonight and never woke up again...
My moods have been mercurial, at best, the past few months. And as soon as I determine to see the so-called "silver lining," someone has to point out all the damned storm clouds. I can't be mad at them; they're concerned and they are trying to look out for my well-being. But I can only deal with one cloud at a time, and I'm just not mentally equipped to deal with Hurricane Ike all at once.


Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear and dream must collide
Someone I am I waiting for courage
The one I want, the one I will become will catch me
So let me fall, if I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them.

Let me fall,
If I fall
though the Phoenix may or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one.
You can hold me only if you too will fall away
from all these useless fears and shame.

Oh, someone I am is waiting for courage
The one I want, the one I will become will catch me
So let me fall, if I must fall
I won't heed your warnings.
I won't hear.

Let me fall,
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment.
Just let me fall.

~Let Me Fall (from Cirque Du Soleil)
words and music by Jim Corcoran and Benoit Juntas
sung by Josh Groban

I Don't Wanna Fight

I'm tired. Tina Turner tonight, all the way.


I Don't Wanna Fight - Tina Turner

THERE'S A PALE MOON IN THE SKY
THE KIND YOU MAKE YOUR WISHES ON
LIKE THE LIGHT IN YOUR EYES
THE ONE I BUILD MY DREAMS UPON
IT'S NOT HERE ANY LONGER
SOMETHING HAPPENED SOMEWHERE AND WE BOTH KNOW WHY
BUT ME I'M GETTING STRONGER
WE MUST STOP PRETENDING
I CAN'T LIVE THIS LIE

I DON'T CARE WHO'S WRONG OR RIGHT
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
TOO MUCH TALKING BABE
LET'S SLEEP ON IT TONIGHT
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
THIS IS TIME FOR LETTING GO

I HEAR A WHISPER IN THE AIR
THAT SIMPLY DOESN'T BOTHER ME
BOY, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I DON'T CARE
OR ARE YOU LOOKING RIGHT THROUGH ME
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT LATELY (SEEMS TO ME THAT LATELY)
YOU LOOK AT ME THE WRONG WAY AND I START TO CRY
COULD IT BE THAT MAYBE (COULD IT BE THAT MAYBE)
THIS CRAZY SITUATION IS THE REASON WHY

I DON'T CARE WHO'S WRONG OR RIGHT
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
TOO MUCH TALKING BABE
DON'T CARE NOW WHO'S TO BLAME
I DON'T REALLY WANNA FIGHT NO MORE
THIS IS TIME FOR LETTING GO

HANGING ON TO THE PAST
IT ONLY STANDS IN OUR WAY
WE HAVE TO GROW FOR OUR LOVE TO LAST
BUT WE JUST GREW APART

OH DON'T WANNA HURT NO MORE
BUT BABY DON'T YOU KNOW
NO, I DON'T WANNA HURT NO MORE...
TIRED OF ALL THESE GAMES
THIS TIME I'M WALKING BABE

Broken Vow

Was wondering what kind of song would fit my rather down-trodden mood of the last few days.. and i just so happened that when I turned on Yahoo's Launchcast radio, it was playing one of my favorite Josh Groban songs, Broken Vow
As I am a girl, for the lyrics, I went with Lara Fabian's version, rather than Josh Groban.


Broken Vow, as sung by Lara Fabian

Tell me her name I want to know
The way she looks and where you go
I need to see her face, I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night while I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own?

I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch, that one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time?

I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

I close my eyes
And dream of you, and then I realize
The more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul to hold you once again
And never let this promise end

I'll let you go,
I'll let you fly
Now that I know, I'm asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Not a Song

*gasp* I am deviating from the plan! No song lyrics in this post... I had a frustrating evening and wanted to share. To save timem I've simply copied and pasted from the IM where I had my little rant. I hesitate to say IM conversation, because I was doing most of the typing....

Audra B: I needed the relaxation, cause dad p***ed me off this evening.

Audra B: I need new brakes, especially on my front wheels. this is not a "get them fixed eventually" situation, or I would've waited til payday and paid ou the extra money to get them fixed somewhere else. but I spent a LOT less money and got the brakes to fix them at home. On the way home I call and ask dad if he'll help me fix them, and he cracks off he's been waiting 45 minutes for me..
Audra B: well I get home a little after 5.. still plenty of light.
Audra B: we have dinner... and dad dicks around watching at least an hour's worth of TV, and complaining that he couldn't find a particular tool needed. I don't get him out of the house until 6:30. Then we get over to my car and he's like "well let's make sure you really need the brakes fixed first"
Audra B: because I'm apparently stupid and haven't been driving this car enough to know the difference between "good" sounding brakes and "bad"
Audra B: when he finally determines, yes I do in fact need the brakes changed.. it's too dark too do anything and we'll do it tomorrow.
Audra B: I'll just have to "put up with the noise" til tomorrow afternoon.
Audra B: now, in my limited experience (since January 1 2008, I have driven my car a minimum of 89.8 miles a day, 7 days a week, with only brief respites during major holidays or when other things were being repaired), a loud grating/grinding noise is an indication that something is, believe it or not... grating or grinding against something else, which I humbly feel is not a beneficial situation for a person who has to hit the brakes a minimum of 140 times a day, and that is just the paper tube stops I am considering, not taking into consideration the typical starts and stops
Audra B: of the average drive from my house to Bedford, and then from Bedford to my first delivery spot, and then the any dozens of reasons I may have to stop in between customers.. Audra B: *deep breath*

Audra B: but I can't change them on my own, just for the fact that the last time the tires were messed with was when I had new tires put on... and they like using that wonderful air gun to tighten the lugnuts..
Audra B: last time I tried to remove lugnuts tightened by an air gun, it took the combined efforts of me a guy that stopped to help me, and two of his three children
Audra B: i think what p****ed me off was dad saying he couldn't find the c-clamp he needed.. that he'd looked everywhere.. and we can't fix the brakes without a c-clamp.. to hold the caliper.. or something or other..
Audra B: I walked right into the shed, glanced right, glanced left... and the c-clamp was hanging up in plain sight.
Audra B: it made me think "if you don't want to help just f***ing say so."
Audra B: I believe that has become my new pet peeve.. not with dad but with people in general. Audra B: if you don't want to do it, just freaking say so. don't agree just to be polite or spare someone's feelings or it's the "right" thing to do.. because if you're not wanting to help, or be present, or do whatever.. then your heart's not in it.. you'll end up doing a sub-standard job at best, which I think can cause more damage than just refusing to help in the first place.
Audra B: *sigh* I'll step down off my soap box now... but I'm keeping it handy.

I Knew I Loved You (Before I Met You)

Was lying here being melancholy, and that song popped into my head. It has a special significance to me, and reminds me of happier memories.
I miss the man who sang it to me..

I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You - Savage Garden

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life...

Awake

I love Josh Groban. He and Michael Crawford are my two favorite male singers... not to mention the guy is cute as a bug. :)
I just (as in, less than five minutes ago) heard a song of his that I had not heard before... and it had the same effect on me as when I first heard the young man sing.

It made my heart hurt. That breathless, clenching hurt that you read about in romance novels. but don't find too often in real life.

Can't think of anything else to say.. heh

Awake -Josh Groban

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see
We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today
And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

You Oughta Know

Anger is a very draining emotion. I've been working at other options besides anger to deal with certain issues in my life, but sometimes...
Anyhoo.. there's a favorite song of mine that I used to sing during karaoke nights with an old friend of mine that was excellent for channeling anger, especially when my boyfriend was ignoring me. Though, "ignoring" is probably the wrong word. Ignoring something implies that you know it's there, you're just pretending it's not. I think he just forgot I existed... seems I was fairly easy to forget back then.

Often wonder how long it would take people to get over it if I just disappeared for good...

Probably not long....


You Oughta Know -Alanis Morissette

I want you to know
That I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but
The best for you both.

An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go gown on you in a theatre?

Does she speak eloquently?
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother.

Cause the love that you gave
that we made
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide
No
And every time you speak her name
Does she how how you told me
you'd hold me until you, til you die
well you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away.
It's not fair
to deny me
of the cross I bear that you gave to me
you you you
oughta know

You seem very well
Things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well
I thought you should know

Did you forget about me,
Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you
in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
how quickly I was replaced
and are you thinking of me
when you F*** her?

Cause the love that you gave
that we made wasn't able to make it
enough for you to be open wide
No
And every time you speak her name
does she know how you told me
you'd hold me until I die, til I die
well buddy you're still alive
and
I'm here to remind you
of the mess you left when you went away
it's not fair, to deny me
of the cross i bear that you gave to me
you you you
oughta know

Cause the joke that you made in the bed,
that was me and I'm not gonna fade as soon
as you close your eyes.
And you know it.
And every time I scratch my nails
down someone else's back
I hope ya feel it.
Well can ya feel it?

Oh I'm here to remind you
if the mess you left when you went away
Its not fair to deny me of the cross I bear
that you gave to me
You you you
oughta know I am here
to remind you
if the mess you left when you went away
it's not fair
to deny me
of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You you you
oughta know.

Out Tonight

Okay.. so I fed my inner closet romantic just a few minutes ago...
Now.. the inner slut wants a nibble :-P

Musical: Rent
Song: Out Tonight


What's The Time?
Well It's Gotta Be Close To Midnight
My Body's Talking Me
It Says, 'Time For Danger'
It Says 'I Wanna Commit A Crime
Wanna Be The Cause Of A Fight
Wanna Put On a Tight Skirt And Flirt
With A Stranger'
I've Had A Knack From Way Back
Of Breaking The Rules Once I Learn The Games
Get Up - Life's Too Quick
I Know Someplace Sick
Where This Chick'll Dance In The Flames
We Don't Need Any Money
I Always Get In For Free
You Can Get In Too
If You Get In With Me
Let's Go Ouuuuuut Tonight
I Have To Go Ouuuuuut Tonight
You Wanna Play?
Let's Run AwayWe Won't Be Back
Before It's Christmas day
Take Me Ouuuuuut Tonight (Meow)
When I Get A Wink From The Doorman
Do You Know How Lucky You'll Be?
That You're On Line With The Feline Of
Avenue B
Let's Go Ouuuuuut Tonight
I Have To Go Ouuuuut Tonight
You Wanna Prowl
Be My Night Owl?
Well Take My Hand We're Gonna Hooooowl
Ouuuuut Tonight
In The Evening I've Got To Roam
Can't Sleep In The City Of Neon And Chrome
Feels Too Damn Much Like Home
When The Spanish Babies Cry
So Let's go find a Bar
So Dark We Forget Who We Are
And All The Scars From The
Nevers And Maybes Die
Let's Go Ouuuuut Tonight
Have To Go Na na na Out Tonight
You're Sweet
Wanna Hit The Street?
Wanna Wail At The Moon Like A Cat In Heat?
Just Take Me Ooouuut Tonight
Please Take Me
Ouuuut Tonight
Don't Forsake Me - Ouuuuut Tonight
I'll Let You Make Me - Ouuuuuut Tonight
Tonight - Tonight - Tonight!

The Last Night Of The World

You guessed it... I love musicals. This lovely number is from Miss Saigon. And so speaks to my inner closet romantic. I've never seen it, only heard the music.. but from what I gather.. an American GI falls in love with a Vietnamese girl... is a very pretty song. He wants to take her home with him, away from the ugliness of the war..
I suggest finding it and listening... would put a link in here for a listening experience, but don't know how :) Anyhoos... "Last Night of the World" from Miss Saigon....

Man: In a place that won't let us feel
In a life where nothing seems real
I have found you
I have found you

Woman: In a world that's moving to fast
In a world where nothing can last
I will hold you
I will hold you

Man: Our lives will change when tomorrow comes

Woman: Tonight our hearts drown the distant drums

Man: And we'll have music all right
Tearing the night

Together: A song
Played on a solo saxophone
A crazy sound
A lonely sound
A cry that tells us love goes on and on
Played on a solo saxophone
It’s telling me to hold you tight
And dance like it’s the last night of the world

Man: On the other side of the earth
There’s a place where life still has worth
I will take you

Woman: I'll go with you

Man: You wont believe all the things you'll see
I know cause you'll see them all in me

Together: If we're together that's when
We'll hear it again
A song
Played on a solo saxophone
A crazy sound
A lonely sound
A cry that tells us love goes on and on
Played on a solo saxophone
It’s telling me to hold you tight
And dance like it’s the last night of the world

Woman: Dreams were all I ever knew

Man: Dreams, you won't need when I'm through

Together: Anywhere
We may be
I will sing with you, a song...
So stay with me and hold me tight
And dance like it’s the last night of the world

Who Are You Now?

I have finally determined a "direction" for this blog.
I don't talk a lot (babbling is NOT the same as talking). I have a serious problem verbally expressing myself. Writing, I am not so bad with, but I find that I am most able to convey my thoughts and feelings via music. More specifically, I feel certain ways, and a song will either pop into my head or I will hear it and it just... clicks.. with what I am feeling at the time. Therefore, I have determined that when that happens.. I'll write the lyrics (or title, if there are no lyrics) to the songs that "speak" to me in this blog.

So, for this evening...
From Funny Girl ( I kind of relate to the main character, so that music pops into my head a LOT)

Who are you now, now that you're mine?
Are you something more than you were before?
Are you warmer in the rain? Are you stronger for my touch?
Am I giving too little? Am I loving you too much?
How is the view? Sunny and green?
How do you compare it to the views you've seen?
I know I am better, braver, and surer, too. But you..
Who are you now? Who are you now?
Are you someone better for my love?

ministers and sheepdogs.

So.. ministers and sheepdogs. Well rather.. goat-dogs.

7 days a week, I drive a 60-70mile rural newspaper route. Along the way are many farms... several of which have large numbers of goats. Now I have noticed over the course of a year.. that the farmers put these adorable fluffy Great White Pyrenees puppies in with the goats. The puppies grow up with the goats, and as young and adult dogs wath over the herd and protect it and keep it rounded up in one place. They are familiar to the goats because the dogs grew up with them. However, the dogs are not in the main position of authority.. obviously it is the farmer who is the be all and end all.

Now, here's my connection. Pastors, ministers, priests, pick your denomination... so often they are referred to as the shepherd and they, themselves refer to their respesctive congregations as their flock. Well, it's not their flock. Jesus is the Good Shepherd. God is the farmer who is the be all and end all. The pastors and ministers were set down among the sheep; lived with them grew with them, so the sheep felt comfortable around them.. and their task is to guide us on the right path and protect us from what wants to cause us harm.

Therefore.... ministers are sheepdogs!



Now with that out of they way...



There's a certain someone in my life, who I feel strongly about.. unfortunately my best friend feels strongly about him too, but in a very negative way. Now, we've been talking most the night and I have been given a slight flare of hope that perhaps all is not lost. As for my certain someone, the only way I can really describe how I feel is through the words of a song I've been hung up on for the past week or so... from the Broadway musical Funny Girl....



**

I add two and two, the most simple addition
and I swear that the figures are lying.
I'm a much better comic that mathematician.
Cause I'm better on stage than at intermission
And as far as the man is concerned.
if I've been burned, I haven't learned...
I know he's around
when the sky and ground started ringing
I know he's near
by the thunder I hear in advance
His words, his words alone
are the words that can set my heart singing
and his is the only music that makes me dance.
He'll sleep and he'll rise
in the light of two eyes that adore him
Bore him, it might,
but he won't leave my sight for a glance
In ever way, every day I need
less of myself and need more him.
More him.
Cause his is the only music that makes me dance.
Cause his is the only music that makes me dance.
**
"The Music That Makes Me Dance," Funny Girl

Intro Ramble/Rant after a Long Hiatus

So then. 2006. Wow.

Hrm. Some thoughts I've arrived at over the last few years. Men are... well, let's not go there. Crying really doesn't make you feel better, and after five years of waiting, "forever" is just too blasted long. And pastors and ministers are sheepdogs, but I'll save that for my next post.

So, I, first the first time in my *coughcough* years of life, was actually driven to drink last night for the first time ever. I mean, yeah, I've said I've needed a drink at the odd stressful moment, but never actually broke out a bottle or anything. So yeah.. last night was not a good night. Why, you may ask? Oh, funny story. My ex boyfriend came for a visit. My ex boyrfiend who I've been trying to get back together with but who just hasn't had time for me necause of all the stuff going on in his life. So finally, I determined I'm done waiting, and have met a very nice man that I am interested in seeing more of. We've been together approximately three months.

Back to the ex boyfriend. Now that I've been honestly working at moving on after FIVE years of waiting, and the ex dicking around, said ex pops himself back into the pictures with "oh, I'm not confused anymore and I want to work things out, blahblahblah" So thinking myself still in love, I blurt out to him one night that I'm not in love with the guy I'm seeing now, but that I do still love him. So, he breaks out the vacation days to dive 200 miles to pay me a visit.

Of course, he doesn't show up when he said he was originally going to. "Something came up," the standard explanation for five years of having something better to do than try to work through the problems we were having. I'm sure whatever it was was valid and certainly necessary, but still...

ANYHOO... two days after the day he was supposed to show up, he finally arrives. (Sadly, even the 3-4hr trip down here amazing took nearly twelve hours) The minute I saw him, I came to the shocking conclusion that, while I may still love him, I am not, as cliche as it sounds, in love with him. Go figure. Naturally, he's here in the interests of "seeing if there's still a 'spark' between us.. and later in the evening starts trying to be touchy-feely. Noticing I'm obviously attempting to avoid "romance," he asks me about it, and I honestly answer to the effect that I am not going to cheat on the boyfriend I have now, regardless of feelings one way or another.

It was like an instant wall crashed down between us, tension all of a sudden so thick I needed a knife to cut through to the kitchen... where I promptly filled a 1/3 full bottle of Simply Lemonade the remaining 2/3 with tequila, grabbed a salt shaker, and proceeded to imbibe. Didn't get a chance to find out if I actually intended to get plastered, because the ex finally came to check on where I disappeared to. He apologized and said I shouldn't beat myself up for a mistake he made...

Whatever.

Would probably be breaking out the rest of that stuff if not for the fact that even if I didn't drink enough to get drunk, I still had a half-queasy stomach the rest of the night. Tequila is pretty nasty unless mixed as a proper margarita, and I've become rather partial to the strawberry margaritas....