Intro Ramble/Rant after a Long Hiatus

So then. 2006. Wow.

Hrm. Some thoughts I've arrived at over the last few years. Men are... well, let's not go there. Crying really doesn't make you feel better, and after five years of waiting, "forever" is just too blasted long. And pastors and ministers are sheepdogs, but I'll save that for my next post.

So, I, first the first time in my *coughcough* years of life, was actually driven to drink last night for the first time ever. I mean, yeah, I've said I've needed a drink at the odd stressful moment, but never actually broke out a bottle or anything. So yeah.. last night was not a good night. Why, you may ask? Oh, funny story. My ex boyfriend came for a visit. My ex boyrfiend who I've been trying to get back together with but who just hasn't had time for me necause of all the stuff going on in his life. So finally, I determined I'm done waiting, and have met a very nice man that I am interested in seeing more of. We've been together approximately three months.

Back to the ex boyfriend. Now that I've been honestly working at moving on after FIVE years of waiting, and the ex dicking around, said ex pops himself back into the pictures with "oh, I'm not confused anymore and I want to work things out, blahblahblah" So thinking myself still in love, I blurt out to him one night that I'm not in love with the guy I'm seeing now, but that I do still love him. So, he breaks out the vacation days to dive 200 miles to pay me a visit.

Of course, he doesn't show up when he said he was originally going to. "Something came up," the standard explanation for five years of having something better to do than try to work through the problems we were having. I'm sure whatever it was was valid and certainly necessary, but still...

ANYHOO... two days after the day he was supposed to show up, he finally arrives. (Sadly, even the 3-4hr trip down here amazing took nearly twelve hours) The minute I saw him, I came to the shocking conclusion that, while I may still love him, I am not, as cliche as it sounds, in love with him. Go figure. Naturally, he's here in the interests of "seeing if there's still a 'spark' between us.. and later in the evening starts trying to be touchy-feely. Noticing I'm obviously attempting to avoid "romance," he asks me about it, and I honestly answer to the effect that I am not going to cheat on the boyfriend I have now, regardless of feelings one way or another.

It was like an instant wall crashed down between us, tension all of a sudden so thick I needed a knife to cut through to the kitchen... where I promptly filled a 1/3 full bottle of Simply Lemonade the remaining 2/3 with tequila, grabbed a salt shaker, and proceeded to imbibe. Didn't get a chance to find out if I actually intended to get plastered, because the ex finally came to check on where I disappeared to. He apologized and said I shouldn't beat myself up for a mistake he made...

Whatever.

Would probably be breaking out the rest of that stuff if not for the fact that even if I didn't drink enough to get drunk, I still had a half-queasy stomach the rest of the night. Tequila is pretty nasty unless mixed as a proper margarita, and I've become rather partial to the strawberry margaritas....

Found another cute Quiz :)

Courtesy of my ex-boyfriend....


Raver Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by

Water Water, Everywhere...

Anybody got room to house a potential flood victim?

Hold on.. let me rewind and explain.

I live on a hill overlooking the East Fork of White River in southern Indiana. I've lived here for 23 years and though we've had some hum-dinger floods (yes, I said "hum-dinger") We've never had to evacuate our houses. Oh we've had some close-calls.. We have to park our vehicles out on the main road and up the hill a bit to keep ourselves mobile (didn't get my car out in time in '96 and was very thoroughly trapped until the waters went down) But thus far... *knocks on wood* we've been lucky.

Don't quote me just yet.. but I think our luck is about to run out. Still have a day, maybe two, before the river crests ( for all you non-river folk.. cresting means when the water stops raising) and they've forecast it as raising another 3-4 feet before then. Only problem is.. another 3 feet puts the water right at my door.. and possibly in my house.

Not a good thing.

Fortunately, my car is on dry ground I'm able to get to it even though it takes a freaking hike over the hills and through the woods ( can't go over the river, that's the whole problem), it's stocked with clothes and some blankets, and I have enough tables to put all my stuff up on. Only problem is... what the heck am I supposed to do with my three cats, and my three dogs who weigh a minimum of 40lbs each? Guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

If the flood waters don't wash it out :)

And now, on a more serious note...

Well then, now that I've calmed down (somehwat) and have slipped into my "Analyze It All" mode, I'm a trifle confused.
I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly four years just shy of a year ago, reasoning that I was feeling very ignored and felt that I was keeping him from his full potential... or some crap like that.

That was exactly what it was; crap (except for the being ignored part). Far be it for me to give up a guy because I think he's sacrificing too much for me; most guys these days won't sacrifice the effort to lift their feet when you clean, let alone anything else. No.. the problems was that I was the one who felt like I sacrificing too much.

What the hell I thought I was sacrificing, I have absolutely NO clue.. I didn't have anything to begin with. No wait.. that's not true. I felt like I would be sacrificing my freedom if our relationship took that next inevitable step.

Heh... some freedom. Right now I'm unemployed, living on my last $20 while my mother ( who THANK GOD lives right next door to me) feeds me and pays my bills.

Some freedom.

Granted, there was never any guarantee that life would be any worse away from here... but nowhere does it say it would be worse, either.

What it all boils down to it.. I'm still a scared little girl in a 25-year-old's body. I want to spread my wings, fly away and make my own life in this world.. but the thought of leaving behind everything I've ever known is terrifying. Even worse is the thought of leaving and coming back to find everything is changed, or simply.. gone.

Unfortunately, I do know that if I elect to stay here in this little cabin on the hill overlooking the river.. I will continue to watch life pass by without me. I need to pull up my roots, deep as they are, and re-plant myself somewhere else.

And now back to the subject at hand; my ex-boyfriend. It's been so long since we really talked, but it feels like no time has passed at all. I find myself starting to type out all the old familiar sweet-nothings and mushy nonsense we used to send back and forth, and have to stop myself. He's acting so sweet and friendly.. but he hasn't suggested a renewal of our relationship. Even if he did, he would most likely want an apology from me.

Truthfully, I feel like I do owe some sort of apology. An apology for any pain I caused.. an apology for the mistake of letting him go when he's the only guy I know that makes my heart clench with just a smile, the only guy I know who would endure TEN performances of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat just because his girlfriend was in the chorus. He's the only guy I've ever known that, when he visited for more than a week I was ready to kill him, but when he left I would wrap myself in the blanket he used and cry myself to sleep.

I've spent a year trying to convince myself that I've never been, and will never be, in love. I think, no.. I know, I am wrong. I turned my back on the man I loved because I was afraid to take that final plunge. I know that now. I know I probably don't deserve a second chance, but I really hope I get one.. because I'm not so afraid anymore; and even after a year of trying to convince myself that I never loved him... he's still the only man I've ever been able to envision spend the rest of my life with.

LeiLei's in a VERY good mood!

WOW... I'm on such an upswing today! the last couple of days, really.. Wanna know why? Well I'll tell ya anyways. My sweetie started talking to me again!!!!! *Does the happy dance of joy*
Well... he's not really my sweetie anymore.. hasn't been for a year (I'm such a freaking idiot) but he is like one of my BEST-EST buddies EVER 'n' I've REALLY missed him and now he's talking to me again so... YAYYYYYY!!! :-D
Oh yeah....the reason I'm posting.. he made up a quiz for his own blog, and he sent it to me and I took it.. and I wanted to post the results :-D


Which.... I can't do right now cause the link isn't typed right and I don't know how to fix it :-D It's all good, thouhg.. soon as it's fixed, it's being posted up here, where it shal stayeth foreber *nodnod*
Anyhoos, 'til next time! Adios!

LeiLei discovers Quizilla!

You are a silver dragon. The rarest kind of dragon.
You are noble yet avoid humans as much as
possible. You are the guardian of the
defensless and you rule the skies.

Which Dragon resides in your soul? (cool pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Just had to post this up here, I have a very huge soft spot for dragons :)

All The World's a Stage

Tuesday, October 19th, 2004. A little before 9pm (21:00 for those of you across the pond or in the military), I was sitting backstage at our community theatre.

It's surprisingly... peaceful backstage. Heh, at least when there's not a show in progress. During a performance the excitement and the anxiety are so thick you have to cut out a path with a chainsaw. But during a rehearsal..or anytime the theatre is all but empty..

It's almost religious; in fact, the only other place I feel so calm and centered, is at my church. I don't know.. maybe I'm wierd, or something. Can anyone out there relate, or am I just some psycho nutjob? :-)

Hello

Hiya :)

This is my first attempt (I think) at something like this. I've never had a blog, or online journal, or anything like that. What exactly does one write when absolutely anyone can read it?

Wells, when one doesn't know what to write, one writes nothing. :) I'll wait for a bit of inspiration to strike before posting again.

Til then, toodles! :)